Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize