I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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