I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize