The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
