I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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