btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
