My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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