so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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