Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
