so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
