I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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