He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
