I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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