I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Don't EVER smell your tampon
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize