I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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