Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
