New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
porn star boner night. come get it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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