im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
