HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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