That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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