o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
