I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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