I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
