I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
