I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
