I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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