I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
