just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
