I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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