On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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