put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
