Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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