Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she peed on how many people?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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