Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
COCAINE IS GR8
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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