for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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