I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
