one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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