you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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