Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
