wat bout pragnant strippers??
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
