I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
