Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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