oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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