I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
