Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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