I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
