At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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