if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm at about main and main street
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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