I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
