I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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