I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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