listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
