What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
