you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
