Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize