Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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