There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
