watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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