I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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